When one of the few people I really interested in, or really care about, doesn’t respond, then I feel sad. Just sad, because I don’t know, my little paranoid mind is raging at such moments, not knowing if I did or said something wrong, or that they just don’t have the time for me at that moment. which is rationally speaking very normal. What isn’t normal is that fact that I freak out about a lot of things, especially because she looks at me sometime, in a way that makes me doubt if we’re really just friends or something more. And it’s difficult and fragile, because you always balance between being just friends, and a broken relationship. The time in between can be funny and really happy of course.
The main thing is that I grow tired of people quiet easily myself. So I think I drag on this building up to a real thing, just because I’m not interested in a fixed kind of relation with anyone. I know I can’t handle that for long, just because every little move, word and deed is registered in my brain, and after a while I even get annoyed by someone breathing, eating or drinking water. And that’s me, that’s my intolerant self that I’ve been fighting for a long time. Although it’s better then a couple of years ago… I work on that by trying to avoid any reaction. And it helps. Even irritation floats away after a while.
I’m currently in a very ‘real’ thinking zone in fact,… I think what I think, not just jumping around in some circles and thought-spirals… the bad part is that I’m not that creative at such moments. But that lasts not that long usually.